Unfortunately, I’m not referring to making a sandwich (or a samwich as my husband calls it. We’re from the South, I swear he has his own dictionary. If you don’t know him well, you almost can’t understand a word he’s saying).
So, anyway, I’m considering quitting smoking cold turkey.
It’s my daughter’s fault.
She offered me the most insane idea I’ve ever heard. “Mommy, instead of spending all that money on patches that just sweat off”–the guarantee that they won’t sweat off is a total and complete lie–“Vapes that might blow up in your face, and nicotine pills that you said taste like a bad word I can’t say, why don’t you just do it the easy way. Just stop without anything.”
Rational as it may sound, especially coming from a 12-year-old child, it’s not as easy as it seems. You see the sites that offer advice on quitting don’t take into consideration the real world.
1. They say take all cigarettes around your house and dispose of them.
First of all, my husband would strangle me. (We’ve never had anything but a happy marriage, but that might very well change if I threw away his cigarettes.)
2. Stay away from everyone who smokes.
Where I’m from. Ha. Everyone smokes. I don’t feel like being a recluse.
3. Ask everyone around you not to smoke.
Again. Ha. They’d look at me as if I were dressed like Elvira. People in these parts don’t take lightly to people messing with their nicotine habits.
4. Throw away all ashtrays and butt buckets.
I’d end up cleaning up cigarette butts in the yard. Some people, I’m leaving unnamed to keep my marriage intact, wouldn’t be able to find the trash can, or would catch the trash can on fire with a butt that wasn’t completely distinguished. Then there would be the issue of a huge fire truck in my front yard hosing my house down with all my blackened belongings in it. Not a desirable outcome.
5. Call a hotline.
By the time I find my phone, I learn that it’s dead due to the teens in the house stealing my charger. Then I’m frustrated. Then I want to smoke more. Then I’m frustrated about wanting to smoke more.
Not to mention that on the hotline, I’d probably be put on hold. And who has enough will power not to pick up a cigarette during that kind of frustration.
6. Take a shower and brush your teeth and think about how wonderful it is not to smell like smoke or taste smoke.
It’s not wonderful, because I don’t have cilia in my nose to smell how good I smell and my taste buds are probably too coated in nicotine to know the difference.
So, to sum it all up, I have to hide in a hole on a remote island somewhere.
All joking aside, I want to quit, but with all these factors stacked against me, it makes it hard. I’m going to have to grow nerves of steel, and man up. Smoking kills. It’s a fact. Maybe if I can win the battle some of people in my circle might learn from some of the hardships I have to go through to quit.
I’m preparing myself now, though I know it’s going to be frustrating. I’m doing it for my health, for my kids health, and so I can see my grandchildren one day.
So, cold turkey it is.
(to be continued–if I’m not in jail for hurting someone.